she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
