I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
