I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
