you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
