And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
