ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My bed is full of blood and feathers
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
