I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
