i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
