If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
