I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
