He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
