Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
