I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
