now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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