is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
