The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
