I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
