if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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