I met the friendliest cop last night
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
