She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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