I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
