PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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