I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
