my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
