Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
