I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
