I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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