Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
