if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
