Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
