i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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