it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
