mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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