covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
