If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
