Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
