im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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