The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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