i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Is it penis luge time yet?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
