Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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