when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
