she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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