I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Randomize
