My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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