Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
