It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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