You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Randomize
