i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
