Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
