i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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