$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
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Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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