I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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