did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
