I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
