My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My breasts were aching with rage.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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