I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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