It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
