even my farts smell like vagina
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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