mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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